


Man Overboard

by CreamoCrop



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: F/M, analysis of feelings, post reichenbach fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-28
Updated: 2013-12-01
Packaged: 2017-12-21 15:31:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/901912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CreamoCrop/pseuds/CreamoCrop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His eyes are really like the ocean, and she thinks it is simply cruel of Fate to leave her wallowing in it with not a single floater or a tiny chance of escape. For now, all she can do is accept just how far gone she is when it comes to the world's only consulting detective. No shore in sight for her. (Post Reichenbach fic in three parts)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Man Overboard

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very very old prompt I got from varjaks in tumblr. Sorry I only got around doing this today. It was supposed to be a one-shot but it got longer and more solid so I think it will come in three parts. Inspired by Rescue Song by Mr. Little Jeans.
> 
> Yes, again out of the blue and unbetaed.

 

 

_My dress is torn, you have a black eye_

_You got from a giving kind_

_But your coat is big and I am warm_

_I'll ask if I can walk you home_

* * *

Drops of water are pelting on the ground, attacking the dust and dissolving the sediments before trailing off to a path set by gravity. She watched as a pool of murky liquid accumulated around her bare feet, engulfing her toes in its cold and wet embrace. Overhead, the gray sky lights and rumbles its approval as raindrops seep through her dress, making it dark, soppy and sticky. She had taken into counting each trickle that flows down her dress and into the ripped edges of the torn flap which is hanging awkwardly near her exposed thigh.

_106…107…108…_

She had been counting for too long.

Nearby, Lestrade is shouting commands, making younger officers scramble to their feet to abide the orders. His cropped silver hair glistens with the clear liquid.

John is sitting inside one of the parked ambulances, tucked safely away from the clutches of the rain. His arm is stretched towards a responder who is tending to it with care and efficiency that comes only from years of experience.

Mycroft Holmes is standing near his black car, watching the commotion with attentive eyes and a detached face - his black umbrella finally open and put to use.

The pitter patter muffles the excitement that surrounds her. The shouted orders, the anxious talks the clamor, the rushing and the busyness - all of the sounds reached her ears in an intangible heap of notes.

She can barely hear the commotion that accompanies a crime scene.

Not that she knows how a crime scene really sounds.

At least, not like the living statue standing beside her.

Really, what is the point of dressing impeccably, when he just lets it get soaked?

"Where is your coat?"  _Now that you need it the most?_

Her voice rouses him from stupor and he turns towards her, albeit slowly as she imagines that he's still waking up from whatever hole he had dug in his brain to store the events of this particular evening.

Brown to blue, ocean to the forest.

It still amazes her how his eyes can still take her. Every time, it feels like walking into the open ocean, with her feet carrying her further and further from safety and into the deceptive calmness of the great expanse. She can't blame him though, because she willingly drowns in them. Sometimes she thinks it must be her hidden sadomasochistic streak, letting itself known. But then, in the world of Sherlock Holmes, pain and pleasure mix like chocolate and salt.

It's just a pity her family has a history with diabetes.

She'd always known that he's going to be the death of her.

Or she, his.

Either way, the black and red shades underlining his left eye manifests how their lives are irrevocably intertwined.

_He really must be the devil if he can look like that with a black eye._

The black eye did not even lessen the effects of the condescending stare she was rewarded with. She really hates it when he looks at her like she had grown a second head, but then a small irritating voice always quips and says that he always looks at everyone like that. She can consider it a victory that she only receives such a look twice a month at worst. The downside is, she's not used to it like John so she never built enough resistance not to feel hurt.

"You must really be shaken."

His voice shakes her from her thoughts in much the same way that hers did to him. But she doubts that it is because her voice has the same effect to him, as his voice have on her. For a moment she wonders how it is possible for his voice to sound so earthy and heavenly at the same time. She's pretty sure that, had a thunderclap reverberated at the same time that he had spoken, she would still know what he said. It seems that she had developed the uncanny ability to  _hear_  him _._

See him. Feel him. Basically, everything.

Shame, it does not go both ways.

"What do you mean by that?" She asks as she looks at his chiseled face, with a look that she can only hope is strong enough to show annoyance and not something akin to what someone pulls off in the midst of diarrhea.

Though she suppose, he should be given that look once in a while.

Treat it as her own brand of insult.

_Thank goodness he can't really read minds._

The look on his face however, suggested otherwise. Or at least that's how her brain chose to interpret it. She's too caught up with her mini-emotional meltdown, to figure out that contrary to popular belief, he does not always know  _what_ the embarrassing thought of a person is about. Sometimes he can only deduce that _there_  is one.

And although he did figure out that she was thinking of something that is better left unsaid, the look in his face is actually brought about by the fact that she does not know where his coat is.

Especially since it is perched in her shoulders.

Any other day, any other person, he would have responded with a scathing remark that would surely make anyone doubt their mental capacity - or his - but not today, not with Molly. Not anymore.

So instead, he moves to stand in front of her and pulls on the heavy coat until she finally looked like a burrito.

Sure, a thousand euros Belstaff burrito, but still a  _soppy burrito_.

Only when Sherlock returned to his original position beside her, after he was finished wrapping her like a Mexican delight, did she realize how close he stood in front of her, or how gentle his hands were as they tugged into the lapels of his coat, or how thoughtful it was of him to actually let her have his coat.

But most of all, only then did she realize how utterly stupid she had been.

_How could she have missed the warm heaviness around her shoulders? Or at least, the persistent smell of wood shave and lemon that hung around her?_

She really must have been so out of it not to realize something as monumental as  _his coat wrapped around her._

The perks of being almost killed.

Another police car is pulling into the crime scene, and all though there is honestly no need for it, the loud wails of its siren is really asking for attention. However, hers is directed to only one person.

She watches as red and blue lights dance across his face, making his angles sharper and his shadows darker. She thinks the lighting perfectly reflects who he is - a dichotomy that makes up for both his brilliance and shadiness.

_Why must she fall in love with such a man?_

Neil from cardiology is earnest. Lestrade is reasonable - and very much single. John is nice and level-headed. Why can't it be them?

_Why must it be him?_

"I don't know." Came the answer.

Which of course, she was not expecting.

Perhaps death isn't that bad afterall.  _Should she really be thinking along this line, hours after she almost got killed?_

At least it would give her reprieve from the awkward moment born out of asking  _Sherlock Holmes_ why she is in love with him. It's not even because of the stupidity of asking the man she fancies why  _she fancies_  him. It's like asking an apple why a grape is a grape - utterly foolish and useless. The humiliation is more of due to the fact she had just asked _Sherlock Holmes_ why she is in love with him.

Red ink, bold, italics and double underline on  _Sherlock Holmes._

Making Sherlock talk about love is like asking someone to describe the color red to a blind man. Frustrating and painful. However in the case of red, it could be described using words like _passion, lips and blood_  - all of which could elicit the same feelings between those who can see and those who can't.

At least red can be  _felt._

Love is simply a word for Sherlock. It is a simple chemical reaction that can be suppressed and ignored. He is the only one she knows who can turn love into the most unfeeling and cold word.

_Oh the irony._

If only the irony would turn into something tangible like actual rust so she can douse it with vinegar. It would definitely save her from the grounding stare directed in her way.

His eyes are really like the ocean, and she thinks it is simply cruel of Fate to leave her wallowing in it with not a single floater or a tiny chance of escape. For now, all she can do is to just accept how far gone she is when it comes to the world's only consulting detective.

No shore in sight for her. No words for her mouth either.

"I also don't know why you hold that feeling for me." His face betrayed no emotion.

She could swear she heard something crack.

As they stood side by side and cocooned from the urgency surrounding them, she feels a strong itch in her hand to smack his arms, because he does not even have the decency to at least throw her a life buoy. He could have at least pretended not to hear anything.

Saves them both time and face.

As she waits for him to elaborate or walk away - whatever he is inclined to do - she entertains the idea that perhaps, it is the adrenalin talking. To his credit, he's an undead who had just killed someone. Maybe it is just bullet talk and she can still weave her way out of it.

"Sherlock, just forge-"

"No. I think it is time we talk about it."

Molly finds it very appropriate that just when she is cold, wet, wrapped in a coat that might as well be made of gold thread and false sense of security, and still suffering from shock of nearly dying - Sherlock Holmes, with his sharpness and incredible timing - decides that it is the perfect moment to discuss  _feelings._

It is definitely not her day, and if things goes as she imagine they will, it's not her life either.

* * *

 

 

_Grey like the gravel under our shoes_

_The sky doesn't clarify_

_Simple is something of a mystery_

_No longer making sense to me_


	2. Black Chasm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's part 2. One last chap to go. Again, unbetaed so sorry for any mistakes. I do try to read it out loud though. Feel free to tell me what you think about it :) Thanks!

Spaghettification.

What a funny word.

Spaghettification - the stretching and compression of objects into thin shapes in a very strong gravitational field.

What a funny word that  _describes death._

However, at the rate of how things are going, that is how Molly Hooper will die. At least it is how it is going to happen metaphorically.

For Sherlock Holmes is a black hole that she can't escape from.

He is this mystery that can somehow bend time and space around her. He has a strong pull on everyone and everything that he had come in contact with. Lucky are those who are able to escape, bad news for her who is already at  _event horizon_ – the point of no return.

Ever since he walked into her lab with his black curls, dark clothes and enigmatic but broody aura, she became instantly aware of this  _shadow_ in her life. The fact that the lab's walls, tiles, equipments and tables were all in white, only highlighted the contrast. He became the dark lump sitting in front of her microscope, the black dress jacket twirling around the morgue, and the gloomy presence complaining in her office.

But of course he is Sherlock Holmes and that was not enough for him.

He just had to become the hole in her heart. However, she finds it both funny and perverse, that instead of feeling empty, she felt  _consumed._

The chasm that he had carved - and is still carving - in her soul had not lessened her. On the contrary, it had weighed her down. All this time, he had kept her feet firmly planted on the ground. Because just when she's about to be carried by fantasies of quick kisses over petri dishes or lazy Sunday mornings wrapped in a sheet, he brings her down with a simple  _"Surely you've all seen the present at the top of the bag…"_

He was the real ending in her fairytale fantasies.

But just when she had come to terms with the fact that the hole can't be filled -  _does not need to be filled_ \- he becomes the black flapping coat that fell from the rooftop.

The blackness bled, and for a moment she can't wipe off the redness that had engulfed her vision. Even now, when she passes that spot, she thinks she could still see some splatter. Whenever she thinks of The Fall, she still marvels on how her body – her memories – had retained the color of the blood when it was sipping through his black curls.

_Black it is the absence of color, so why can she red?_

Only Sherlock Holmes could make something exist in the midst of an absence.

After that, he was carried inside a black bag that was delivered to her by morose colleagues who refused to look her in the eyes. Too soon, he was the shadow escaping from the fire exit of her morgue.

_Thank you and goodbye._

Even after death, he still managed to be rude.

For three years, he became the dark spot in her peripheral vision. Anyone who entered her lab became  _not-Sherlock._ Every unidentified bodies in headlines became  _might-be-Sherlock._

Even after disappearing, he still managed to stay.

She hated him for the hold he had on her.

Yet, she held him tight when he came back - partly because she missed him, mostly because they were being shot at.

He did went out with a bang so he just had to return with a  _bang -_ or bangs. Sebastian Moran certainly didn't hold back with his ammunitions. Neither did he hold back with his punches. As she slowly turned her head to look at him, her eyes traced the black and blue bruise rimming his left eye. It might sound cruel but she is actually glad to see this kind of manifestation that he is still human. It assured her that she can put him in the same situation that he had put her.

She can make it as awkward for him as it is for her, now that he demands that they talk about  _feelings._

Perhaps she is suffering from head trauma as well.

Sherlock Holmes wants to talk about _feelings._

"Sherlock, I don't think now is the right time to talk about it."

_Maybe there is no right time to talk about it._

She already knows what rejection is and how it feels. She does not need to be reacquainted with it.

His face scrunched as he uttered his reply. "Why not? You've been meaning to talk to me about it for almost five years now."

_Git. Insufferable bastard._

He knew.

All this time he knew, and not once did he ever show any acknowledgement for her feelings. Not when she was blatantly asking him out for coffee, not during the times when she was going out of her way to help him with his cases, not when she made an effort during _that_ Christmas and definitely not when she  _killed him._ One would think that the moment before death is the perfect time to lay out hidden sentiments, but it's not - at least according to Sherlock Holmes. Instead, it should happen in the middle of a crime scene while being pelted down by heavy rain and just when she had no inclination to discuss it.

"Sherloc-"

"Why do you have to make this more tedious, Molly?" He had the audacity to sound irritated.

She can't help but gape at the man in front of her. She was the one who had tried many times to tell him - to  _show_ him - how she felt but he merely side-stepped each of them. Now, in the one time that she does not wish to talk about it, he dare to accuse her of being  _tedious?_

"I am not being tedious, Sherlock."

She is just being practical. Molly Hooper simply wants to be  _at least_ dry when he finally tells her to direct her affections to someone else.

"Yes you are." He shifts his whole body so that he's facing her and in an instant she becomes aware of how hot and heavy his coat is. "You are refusing to discuss something that is vital in keeping a harmonious dynamic between the two of us."

"Why Sherlock?" she angles her body so that it would reflect his stance. "Why are you suddenly so eager to discuss  _sentiment,_ when you have been actively treating it as something unimportant? Am I to expect some grand revelation of feelings from you?"

Just like the torrent coming down on them, her emotions came barreling out of her well-compartmentalized being. Through the years of dealing with Sherlock, she had learned when to back-off, for as imposing as he looks like, he is in truth as jumpy as a gazelle when it comes to being human.

Human with emotions, with fears, with weakness.

Unfortunately the same can't be said with him. He takes and pushes and sucks what he can, until he can.

"No. Nothing like that."

He really is the black hole of her life, sucking the light out of it and engulfing her in total darkness.

She's can't decide whether that is a good or a bad thing.

* * *

_I'm gonna rescue you_

_so you can rescue me too_

_make it a rendezvous_


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is at that moment, when he looked and felt at his coldest, that she finally understood. Really, she should have known. He is Sherlock Holmes. He is a complex man and he never did anything like an ordinary person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N *Slowly leaves this here and backs away.*
> 
> I am so sorry if it took this long, but I still hope you enjoy this.
> 
> Also, have you ever experienced an epiphany that just comes out of nowhere?
> 
> Happy reading guys! Oh and as always, feel free to tell me what you think.
> 
> Again, unbetaed and out of the blue.

 

* * *

 

 

_"My breath is soft, your hands are unlocked_

_Unmanned and unvertical_

_I feel strings without the black and blue_

_A weekend in a weekday's shoes."_

* * *

It was a sunny and warm afternoon, when she finally admitted to herself that she's in love with the rude, bossy and insensitive consulting detective that drops by every once in a while at her lab and morgue. She was inside her sister's hospital room, staring at a wriggling bundle with honey-colored hair and bright blue eyes, when her heart resigned to the idea that she has finally fallen to the arrows of Cupid.

Her sister Carrie, had just given birth but her husband was nowhere in sight. Her brother-in-law was in Italy at that time, busy negotiating and closing deals and missing out on the birth of his first born.

"That good for nothing ass!"

"Carrie!" She admonished, horrified and embarrassed that her sister would use such crude words in front of a newborn – her very own new born.

"What?" Carrie simply shrugged her off, completely transfixed with closing and opening Emmanuel Hooper-Howard's little fingers. "It's not like Eman can understand what I just said. Besides, it's true. His father is a prick for missing out a rare opportunity to have his fingers crushed while being yelled at and blamed for each of my painful contractions. How dare he miss my little Eman's birthday, right my boy?"

Little Eman merely yawned.

"You are cursing him, but you are not really angry at him. Right?" As much as Molly approves of her brother-in-law, he had quickly descended into the lower ranks in her  _Fav People List_ when she learned that he won't be at the hospital for her nephew's big day.

"Oh no. No, no no." Carrie's vehement shaking barely jolted the lethargic newborn. "Make no mistake dear sis. I am pissed off with him. In fact, when he gets back he will get an  _earful_  of  _how-could-you's_  and a nice heap of  _guilt-trip_. But I also understand him. I understand and accept his reason. Having a baby is not easy on the pockets. Besides I know him. He's probably on his fourth cup of tea by now."

"What does that have to do with this?"

"He practically siphons tea when he is giddy and I know that even if he can't see his son, or even if he didn't sound excited over the phone, the knowledge that Eman's here now had definitely revved up his batteries. For that I forgive him. You might want to record this because I am only going to say this now while I am still high in adrenaline and am not in my proper mind, but despite everything that he is and isn't, I love that old bugger.

Ten minutes after that conversation, Carrie was asleep and Molly was left to look after her nephew. While she was rocking little Eman to sleep, her sister's phone went off and she answered it, only to be greeted by an Italian nurse informing them that Jacob Howard was in the hospital because he choked on his Earl tea.

After assuring that she won't be losing a brother-in-law minutes after gaining a nephew, Molly ended the call and stared at Eman.

There was no bright lights, fuzzy feelings or heraldic music. She only looked at baby Eman and sighed.

"Well Eman, looks like I am in love too."

* * *

"I play the violin when I am thinking."

"Sometimes I don't speak for days."

"I skip meals especially when I am in the middle of a case."

"I sometimes shoot my walls when I am bored."

"I don't smoke, but I use nicotine patches."

This is not what she imagined when Sherlock decided to have a conversation about her feelings towards him. She expected straight and outward rejection. She even expected some scientific and logical explanation of why sentiment is an inconvenience and should therefore be shunned. Instead, she gets a rundown of things about him that she already knows.

"John used to complain when I play the violin at 2:30 in the morning, but it soothes me and helps me process faster, so I never stopped and  _will never_  stop."

"What-"

"When I am on a case or when I need to focus I tend to shut other stimuli, so I don't respond when addressed. However, I only do that when I am sure that there is no other urgent matter that needs my attention."

"Sherlock-"

"I have nothing against eating. I eat three times a day, sometimes four when Mrs. Hudson decides to try a new recipe. But I do tend to skip meals when I am on a case because it halters my thinking process. However, I don't starve myself. That is a foolish thing to do. I know my body and I recognize when it needs sustenance so I eat. Chips, in my opinion, count as a meal."

"Sherlock, why are you-"

"My mind constantly needs stimulation. I think dying of boredom is actually possible for me, which is why I always seek puzzles and cases. However, there are times when I experience a lull and when that happens, I tend to express my frustration by shooting a smiley face in my wall. I still shoot the walls, but I am now seeking a more constructive and less dangerous way of  _passing the time._ "

"I don't really see why you are-"

"There are cases that merits three nicotine patches – a three patch problem. My body is already accustomed to that practice. It is the only habit that I have retained from my  _old days_. By old days, I mean the time when I used to do drugs. I have been clean for nearly a decade and I have no intention of returning to abusing substance."

"Sherlock please-"

"When I was younger, I was taken to different  _specialists._ Some of them advised for therapy, others recommended pills. The therapies ended in disasters, the pills were a bother. There were no definitive findings. I heard John refer to it as Asperger, I think it's sociopathic, but Mycroft and mother thinks it is ASD. You're a doctor so I leave it to you to draw your own con-"

"STOP!"

Her voice could barely be heard amidst the downpour, but for her and for the man that waits for no one, it was enough to stop the world. In that moment, there is no crime scene, no dead bodies, no cold rainfall and certainly no nosy brother, flatmate and detective inspector that are sneakily glancing at their direction.

At exactly 4:23pm, the Earth vanished, leaving only Sherlock Holmes, Molly Hooper and a can of worms that had to be opened.

"Is this a game to you Sherlock?" The dam had broken. Fortunately, it is not easy to distinguish tears from raindrops. "Is everything just a game to you? For future references, a single "Stop" or "No" could have sufficed, because believe me, I am already half way there."

Of course it was a lie, it was just something she had been telling herself ever since that day in the hospital. Sometimes closure isn't something a person could push to experience. Sometimes, the face has to be slammed by a door, so as to gain a sense of  _finality_. She had already spent too much time in Limbo. A quick and hard fall is a saving grace.

But then again, he is Sherlock Holmes and she is Molly Hooper. He always dashes off and she always waits.

_'One last. One last, and then it is goodbye.'_

For a minute, they stood staring at each other. She didn't dare to break the silence that followed. Again, she ended up waiting for him. She could barely open her eyes because of the rain, but she kept her focus on the bright blue irises that looked like beacons on a stormy night.

If only they could lead her home.

When he finally spoke, it was as if he never stopped.

"I don't care for social trivialities. I see more than what most people see. I know more than what most people know and I say more than what most people say. I could come off as rude and insensitive and most of the time I don't care."

"That's it. I'm leaving."

She can take a hint. Truth be told, she had been taking hints for years now. The coffee rejections, the blatant misuse of compliments, the Christmas affair and the disappearance after his death. All of them screamed no, but he was always in a hurry back then. He was always immediately gone and she was always left staring at his retreating back, without even a chance to really come to a solid conclusion. This time, however, even the darkness of the sky and his wet hair that slightly conceals his sharp face, can't hide anything anymore.

Turning around, she decides that this time, she is the one who walks away and he gets to watch. This is her graceful exit. Fortunately the rain knows how to obliterate tear tracks.

She had barely taken a step when London started to spin. Before she could understand what is happening, a pair of strong hands is gripping her arms and she finds herself staring again at a set of too-familiar eyes.

_Back to the start._

"I will not stop being me, Molly. I will never go to  _dates._ I will never bring flowers. I don't give a damn about anniversaries and girlfriends will never be my area." His grip became tighter at each word that he spoke, but the pressure in her arms is no match to the tightness in her chest. "Look at me Molly. This is the man you chose to  _love._ "

As usual, he spat the word like it is poison. As if it's a reflex, her mind was quick to kick her into defending the sentiment.

_Not now. Not anymore._

"Are you done, Sherlock?" She tried to pry his hands but he held on to her like a predator would to its prey. "Because you are absolutely right. You had just perfectly described the man I fell in love with. But guess what, nothing about what you said is new at all. I already know all of that."

She would have thought that it was a trick brought by the flowing raindrops, however his face which was previously an edged mask of indifference, slowly morphed into something softer. It stayed that way as he slowly pulled her closer to him. With tenderness that she only saw him display during  _that_ Christmas, he leaned forward until the raindrops that trickled from his hair, pelted down her nose.

"Then you are an idiot, Molly Hooper." He whispered. Up close, his eyes looked like ice crystals. His breath fanned in her face like a winter breeze while something cold came to rest at her left cheek.

It is at that moment, when he looked and felt at his coldest, that she finally understood. Really, she should have known. He is Sherlock Holmes. He is a complex man and he never did anything like an ordinary person. Deep inside, a preening part of her chides that Sherlock should be thankful that Molly Hooper is not an ordinary person either. Otherwise, she would have long let go and turned around as well.

"That's not something new either." Slowly, she reached for the hand that came to rest at her cheek. "But that's what it takes. Knowing what there is and isn't and working your way around it. Together."

There was no bright lights, fuzzy feelings or heraldic music.

"Molly, I think I may have made a gross miscalculation."

Nor was there any grand revelation of feelings.

"And what do we call a person that made such a grievous mistake?"

There was, however, the rain, the cold and a simple understanding of a complex nature.

"An idiot."

* * *

 

 

_"I'm gonna rescue you_

_So you can rescue me too_

_Make it a rendezvous"_


End file.
